Looking & thinking backwards on yet another Christmas for clues to understand the freedom I exist in today. A bit of wine a bit of back thought travelling back in time not to rearrange things not to capture the past and cage it in to hold it but to keep it at hand yet not affect today.

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The Christmas Day
12.24.14

way past believe me
so many decades ago
but the stage was set
drunk usually but not always
father drunk by disappointment in life's
turn about outcome how did he get here as he is
the question never asked never thought of to ask
it was just the way of things normal behavior
now, though many decades later, my Christmas Eve
2014 half a bottle of 7 Deadly Zins Zinfandel
and left over chicken pizza and grilled Chicken Caesars
salad um good no tokes yet
want to keep my mind clear in order to keep straight
the memories not that they matter any more
the stage had been set long ago, yet I am able
to change the script as I do keeping it true to form
my form, matching who and what I am today
Good is the conclusion.

So, leaning on the good that I am leaves me free
to explore my past in truth and accept everything
that was is and will be honestly and openly viewed
no matter its perceived appearance its look its scene
Life is good, and hiding myself, out of the question
expose the inner me to myself and to anyone who
cares enough to look, thankfully, there are those few
who do care to look, care for, and appreciate
my doing, my being, my presence my personality.

I am loved and this is a blessing that I am thankful for
this Christmas outside of gifts things bullshit
requirements expectations, the material world will pass
leaving us to our own devices and abilities
our inner hearts ability to love to give of ourselves to others
no expectations expected nothing in return required
the 7 Deadly Zins speaking through its ability to alter
and overriding the minds thankless task of being honest
and true to oneself and empathic to all those around us
making sense of this particular writing I am certain
will have me questioning my posting this on-line this
confusion jabbering, nonsensical even, words placed
in a most confusing manner exposing a lack of mine
to be coherent in my writing but this is all draft
writing to be edited altered and deleted when I am
able to locate it sometime and somewhere in the future.

-gary

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